Dear Michael Bay,
Let's talk about how you're destroying my childhood, shall we?
Now, maybe I'm not your average girl, but I grew up watching the A Nightmare On Elm Street movies. Wes Craven is my horror God. And no, Mr. Bay, I wasn't happy when I found out they'd even be making another movie, let alone an actual remake. I thought, well, maybe they'll get Robert Englund anyway. I knew that he was really too old to play Freddy - he was nearly too old when Freddy V. Jason came out back in 2003.
I was upset by the change in Freddy. But I came around, when I found out that this all had Wes Craven's blessing. I thought, well, maybe it'll be okay after all.
I got cranky when I found out that Freddy wouldn't be a child molester. That's, you know, kind of why they burned the Son of a Hundred Maniacs alive in the first place.
I've got to hand it to you, Mr. Bay, you almost had me. You see, I watched the teaser trailer, and it almost, almost sucked me in. The shoutouts to the old flicks (the girls jumping rope, the "1, 2..." rhyme, the glove in the bathtub) made me happy.
Then I saw your interpretation of Fred Kruger, my psycho serial killer homicidal maniac Dream Master idol.
I am not amused, Mr. Bay. I entered into this believing that Freddy Kruger would actually look like Freddy Kruger. Not like a burn victim who got treatment and survived. Sorry, Mr. Bay, but your Freddy Kruger is not juicy enough to make me happy.
And that voice, Mr. Bay! What were you thinking when you decided that would be a good way for Freddy Kruger to sound? He's not menacing! He wouldn't scare me! He sounds like a pathetic little old man!
Mr. Bay, if you were trying to do good by the legacy that was created for Fred Kruger long before anyone knew who you were, you have failed.
PS: I'm going to go watch Johnny Depp get eaten by a bed now.